Monday, September 7, 2009

September 7th, 2009:

I've been thinking a lot about how much has happened in the past year. At the end of August, 2008 I had my right hip replaced with led to the discovery of the tumor which led to my present state of decreased mobility and yearning to move into Maitri. It's been the fullest year of my life in terms of growth, moving through layers of shock and restabilizing with new plans.

It's also been a time of unprecedented loss. Externally, the death of my Mom was a sudden and blessedly easy passing for her. It's been a more subtle and hard-to-get-to loss for me. An obvious reason is that I've had a huge amount of personal drama in my face. My approach has been to let the feelings of missing my Mom and the impact of her legacy emerge in their own time. This has started to happen in an unexpected way. Since her passing, I've been hoping to have some sort of contact with my Mom, and that's not the sort of thing I can force. Doesn't work to say, "OK, Ruth, step through the veil for me."

I was sitting in the oncology waiting room with Eileen Lemus a couple of weeks ago when she asked me, "Do you feel your Mother's presence?" I responded in the negative. "Well," she continued, "I do. I'm aware of her. I first felt her during one of our visits to Dr. Jahan, and she was there at the Maitri dinner." I was astonished. "Really?" I asked. "Yes. It's definitely Ruth." Many of you know me as being very receptive to all manner of trans-dimension New Age, astrology and beyond interests. But I don't have that sort of relationship with Eileen. I could not have been more astonished by her even-toned certainty. Being aware of my mother was simply a part of her current reality. Since then, at low ebbs in this apartment, I have felt my Mom's presence. She is watching, caring, not talking out loud but definitely here. I can't begin to tell you how welcome it is to have a direct relationship with my Mom again. True, it's limited in many ways that are new to me. But it also has a connection that's stronger than anything I've felt since she died in early March. So good to be together again!

I was talking with Wendy this morning about what a roller coaster of a weekend this has been for me. On Saturday, I realized that I have to move out of my apartment soon or sooner to get the care I need as I loose the ability to walk. On Sunday, I stabilized this life-changing decision and accommodated to it. I could tell that it was a sound move because when I thought about it there was no ambiguity, no hesitation, no worries that this might be a mistake. And today, I am ever more at peace with the plan. I've started to complete my packet for admission to Maitri. I feel even more reassurance about how I am moving in the right direction where I'll get the care I need. Wendy summarized it by saying, "Your freakouts are very time-limited."

Tomorrow, back to work to put the final frosting on the big cake I've baked for my last project. Later this week, I'll have a going away party at work. I haven't seen this honor conferred on a consultant in my experience of working at PG&E. Full time employees, sure. But a consultant is usually given a hearty thank you and that's it. I am particularly glad for this acknowledgement because I like to think it includes all of me. Not just the work I've done for the organization, but also as a way to face the fact that I am terminally ill yet still alive and valuable. Big thank you's to my boss Michael Wong who has a large vision that sees beyond the outline of my worker bee self and into the fuller dimensions of who I am. What a fine guy.

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