Tuesday, October 20, 2009

October 20th, 2009:

Saying hello and saying goodbye. Now that there is little to no attention focused on my apartment, I move into the next completions. There is finalizing the handover of my property in Glen Ellen to my land partner. There is connecting to people that I know. The latter has several layers. Over the past few years, I've lost touch with several people that I don't want to miss saying goodbye to. Each of them has been a solid, giving presence in my life and it's important to me to connect with them prior to my death.

Last weekend, in a resting moment, I asked myself, "Who do I still have negative energy with? What clean-up do I need to do before I leave this life?" To my surprise, I only came up with two people that I felt conflict with at this point. And one of those people I've worked on quite a bit. I felt like I could make a list of issues that existed between us and then would verify that I'd resolved each of those issues. I'm writing an audit of my stuff. So far, the resolutions have neutralized each of the resentments. With the final person, I need to do some work. My plan is to develop a ritual where I can identify my anger, sense of betrayal, etc., lay that down and step back.

My goal is to leave this life with no lingering bitterness to a person or an institution. What a pleasure to have done all my work and depart with total cleanliness and gratitude. I feel like I'm very close to that now. Of course, this doesn't include all the petty carpings and exchanges of attitude that I've tossed at others. I'm talking about major, unresolved hatred and stand-off with key people in my life. To me, the biggest miracle will always be the work and happy ending I have been able to achieve with my Dad. I never expected to find joy or love in our relationship. Now, we both express our love for each other with great fullness and sincerity. Amazing! This doesn't mean that I don't have a queue of tasks in my next lives. But if I can exit this life with no karmic damage to myself or others, I would be very glad.

Also, the quality of my visits with people who I talk to over the phone or see in my room here at Maitri are very fine indeed. Often when I end a call or walk a friend to the door, I am full of wonder at what we've discussed, the depth of love that we've communicated. This is such a rich time in my life. Because these visits have such power and revelation, I find myself rejuvenated and inspired. Also, I want to have time to integrate our insights. What a wonderful rhythm: connection, pause, connection, pause.

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