August 2, 2009:
I had a very social yesterday where I reconnected with three important people in my life who I hadn't seen for too long. No misunderstandings between us, we were all busy off in other directions for the past couple of years. In both instances, I had a chance to appreciate my current position of managing my health.
The first visit was with my past life hypnotherapist Marilyn and her husband Frans. In the past weeks, Marilyn and Frans had heard about my cancer diagnosis and had the opportunity to catch up via this blog. They invited me over to their home in the Oakland Hills for lunch on what turned out to be a very fine, sunlit day. Frans picked me up at BART and as we were driving to their house, he said, "It's clear from seeing you right now that you know what you want for yourself." I was startled by how much I enjoyed hearing this. There is a part of me that is hungry for approval and support right now. It's not just about being validated for my choices, but also the trust that I am able to take care of myself under difficult circumstances. True, I hear this from most people who I'm in direct contact with. I also found myself reflecting that I am grounded in my knowing most of the time, but I also have times when I don't know what I wants and times when I'm totally open about changing my mind.
Once at their home, I settled into a long-overdue visit with my hosts. They caught me up on the psychic work they'd recently pursued, travel plans and their ongoing life together. Then, we spent some time in trance where they placed their hands on my chest, invoked energies and gave me a very fine healing that warmed me physically and psychologically. During this silence, I felt how much I've been avoiding just letting myself experience the pain of this time. Not so much the physical pain because that is well-managed by my medication, and frankly, I don't think my life would be improved if I felt that in all it's force. Yes, I know my pelvis can generate suffering, but will I be a more integrated person for giving up my opiates? Probably not. Rather, the emotional pain of letting myself grieve and rage. It still amazes me how much my early learning to hold those feelings in has maintained during this illness.
Afterward over a very fine lunch in their garden overlooking downtown Oakland, the expanse of the Bay and the panorama of San Francisco, I told Marilyn how much I was looking forward to do more past-life work with her. I'm glad to know that we can start in the early Fall when I have the time and they are back in the Bay Area. Past-life regression has been such a valuable source of information for me about this life. And this is certainly a time in my life when I feel more curious than ever about how I am dealing with issues that originate not only in this current existence by prior as well.
Home in the mid-afternoon, I had time for a nap before my friend Garrik arrived from Sacramento with his Mom. I met Garrik on a flight back to the States from London in the late 90's. As he said, "We were high from the moment we met," meaning at least 38,000 feet in the air. Born in Odessa, Soviet Union and raised in Moscow, he came to the West in the early 1980's, studied Chiropractics in Germany. Eventually he located in Sacramento and built a practice for his healing talents. I've always admired his ability to thrive and contribute in many cultures.
As I caught Garrik up on my history of getting a diagnosis, going through chemo and going to the other side of the pendulum swing by visiting the Optimal Health Institute, I moved to the part of my story where my body told me in late April that I was on my path. My path wasn't to end my tumors growth, rather my tumors would lead me into creatively spending my last months well for myself and for others. I explained that currently I was receiving no treatments and that I had a very high quality of life. This will not last forever, and for now, the quality is very high indeed.
After dinner with Garrik and his Mom, I returned home to settle into being alone. What came to me after a day spent with three healers all of whom have strong opinions and beliefs about helping people be cured from illness is that I am following a path that's been revealed to me. Interestingly, I regard myself the way I was taught to treat my end-of-live care clients when I learned bedside care in the early 80's. I offer no medical solutions to myself because I haven't studied medical solutions. I make room for my body to reveal the stages of illness and health. A month ago when a tumor fractured my rib, the message from my body was that I have bone cancer. After immediate relief from anti-inflammatories, I've had no treatments. This brief emergency has been followed by a long, much-appreciated plateau of health, well-being and productivity. I heard Frans' words, "It's clear from seeing you that you know what you want."
True, there are things that I know that I want. This past week in therapy, my therapist suggested that since there's such intensity of learning going on for me now, we accelerate our sessions to twice a week. She proposed that it would be an opportunity to focus more on the messages from my body that are so hard for me to hear and the feelings that carry those messages. After a lifetime of learning how to avoid hearing my body and my feelings, we can work to open up those channels. So yes, that's what I want more of: more access to the voice of my body and the voice of my feelings.