July 10th, 2009:
Before my new tumor and fractured rib captured my attention earlier this week, I was planning to post a correspondence with a close friend of the past 35 years. Originally, I met her as the younger sister of a friend and then, as a student in one of my classes. We quickly got over the younger/older issue and became friends, peers interested in astrology and alternative healing as well as basically liking each other very much. Our friendship has endured as she married, became a mom, moved from the Coast to Hawaii and then to the Rockies. In the past several years our talks on the phone have slowed, but we often connected at the time of our Scorpio birthdays. Recently, our friendship has renewed as my health has declined. The blog has kept her informed, and she sent the following email three weeks ago in response to my posting about getting angry at my tumor and bashing the critter with a hammer.
I just read your blog of 6/17 and felt literally compelled to compile and send you some samples of alternatives available that either you or the nutritionist I spoke of might look into. Again, please take this as an offering and know that I completely respect your autonomy in this. I just felt a strong desire to support your antagonism toward and rejection of the tumor cells, and if I can support you in any way, I want to. Some things are as simple as seaweed and including seaweed extracts in the diet that have been shown to support apoptosis in cancer cells. Foods can be powerful medicinal allies in ridding the body of abnormal processes as I know you experienced at OHI (Optimum Health Institute) although I don't know what they shared with you in the way of natural ingredients. (the letter continues to respect my response whatever that response may be).
This letter prompted a deep questioning of what to answer. Believe me, I gave it some thought, which resulted in my reply.
I have sat with the contents of your letter for a couple of weeks to clarify my response. I respect you as a healer, and I believe that there are strong body, diet, mind connections that can promote healing. For the past several months, my body has been telling me that I am going in the direction intended. This means that I am not going to be cured from my tumors and that I will die from the cancer I currently have. This information deeply shocked me. I experienced a lot of sadness and anger because I had big plans for the rest of my life. So, the rest of my life is what I have now and over the next few months. It will have to be enough.
Rather than start swimming upstream against this information, I have been working to accept it. My current efforts are directed to completing what's needed before I can't function so well any more. I have a home in the country to sell. Possessions to give away. Work to wrap up. Perhaps a final trip or two to take. Also, I am planning to buy a television set with a DVD player to start watching a lifetime of missed programs, especially operas and dance. I've been able to coordinate moving into the end-of-life facility where I've volunteered for the past twenty two years. Although I'm not happy about this all the time, I am feeling cared for and held.
Rather than give you the green light to start sending information my way, it is more honest for me to say that I am OK with my destiny. It has been a wonderful life, and I plan to have a wonderful death. By wonderful death, I mean, I would like to have a clear space to just BE in. Part of that means stepping aside from working and energizing to cure myself. I have cured myself in the past. This time will be different. I see my dying as a healing but not a curing.
I thank you for reading this letter with the understanding that you will bring to it. I ask you to witness me. That will be plenty. I intend to keep people informed about how my health and my life intertwine until I am no longer able to do that. After that, there will be other ways you'll be kept informed so that there won't be an abrupt shut off of connection. I don't expect to traverse that change for several more months. In the meantime, I am very grateful that we're back in touch again, and I look forward to more communication in the time I have left. Thank you for being such a caring and loving friend for many years. I cherish and admire your depth of feeling and healing abilities. I love you. I love you.