March 22, 2009: The past week has been full of transitional insecurities for me. I’ve felt a lot of fear that my tumor is growing, then I feel reassured that it has been shrinking. Truth is, it’s hard to tell by touching it from the outside of my body what’s going on. Tomorrow, I go into clinic and get a PT and MRI scan to determine what the tumors have been doing for the past two months. Then, on April 1st, I’ll meet with Dr. Jahan to go over the results.
The hardest part of not knowing for me happens when I go into fear. I fear that the tumor is growing and that I’ll have to resume chemo which has been so hard on my body. Ouch, I don’t want to do that again. But I’m also committed to taking care of myself and don’t want to rule out chemo as possible ally. Back and forth until my thinking process is the most immediate problem. That became the turning point this week for me. I finally stopped and re-centered myself. I did this by meditating and getting grounded. Once that happened, I was better. I remembered that I have options. I remembered that there are many types of chemo. I remembered that I make choices one at a time. I remembered that I can ask friends for advice and council.
The other big event this week involved drafting the speech that I’ll give at my Mom’s memorial service next weekend in Portland. I used part of a poem that my friend Ruthann sent to me and text that my friend Ellen had written recalling her memories of my Mom. The sentiments were so clear and lovely, that I thought, “Why try to improve on this?” Also, I talked about ways that my Mom had grown in her life and how much I admired that growth. Although she was a warm, loving woman who made friends easily, my Mom also had hurdles to overcome and fears to navigate over the years. I wanted to honor the work she did that caused her to grow as an individual. Turned out that this was a deeply rewarding exercise, and I’ll post the text on the blog in the next few days, since many of you will not be at the service.
This has not been an easy time, but out of it came the simple reminder of how to stay centered.